Life Unexpected

The other morning I woke up and made pumpkin pancakes. This, of course, means absolutely nothing to you. To me, however, it was an epiphany.

All week I'd been dreaming of the funfetti pancakes I had stowed away in the back of the cupboard  (It's a small package and I'm not into sharing). I went to bed dreaming of the colorful sweetness I'd be enjoying that next morning.  Still in a state of groggy confusion, I stumbled to the kitchen as soon as I awoke to get started on my blissful morning treat.  As I opened the cupboard, however, something else caught my eye...pumpkin pancake mix.  Now, I have seen this box before. In fact, it's been sitting in the cupboard for quite some time, I just hadn't had a chance to try it yet.  Suddenly, I wasn't sure what I wanted. As far as I was concerned, I had fully committed to the funfetti pancakes. But why, WHY today was the pumpkin mix taunting me so? Unable to make a decision, I retreated to the shower.

Later, as I enjoyed my delicious breakfast, I actually felt guilty about the funfetti mix still sitting in the cupboard. That's right, read it again: I FELT GUILTY OVER PANCAKES. Really? Is this what life (and our parents) has driven us to? The idea that if you set your mind to something, you must be fully and totally committed and if you're not, then you're a quitter and a bad American.

I'm all for keeping your commitments, but sometimes you just need to do what's right for you.  Let's face it, I change my mind more than I change my socks, and why should I feel badly about that? I always know what I want in the moment, but what I want today won't necessarily be what I want tomorrow  (i.e. I want to go to Gonzaga University.  I want to go to University of Arizona. I want to go to Nanjing University in China. - it's a miracle I graduated).

So when your cozy Murray Hill walk-up turns into an extra-roommate, spider-infested, rat-harboring nightmare...YOU MOVE. Screw the lease and the fortune you spent moving in; just grab your stuff and move on.  Why live a life you're not happy with?

I've spent a lot of time lately feeling guilty about my decisions. Nothing has turned out quite as I'd expected, in large part due to my own decision-making, but how boring would life be if you stuck to every dream you ever had and every decision you ever made?  I had pumpkin pancakes for breakfast and I can honestly say, from the deepest part of my heart, I have never been happier.

A Sense of Direction

When I started this blog, I wasn't sure where to go with it. All I knew was that I love to write, and it would be a good way to keep in touch with friends and family who are curious as to what I'm doing these days.  I've since been inspired to give it some direction.

Today, I thought a lot about my late grandmother. She was radiant; one of those people you wish everyone in the world had a chance to know.  A woman with natural grace, beauty, class, and warmth. A woman who captivated everyone in her presence up until the day she left us.

A Mary Kay consultant and self-proclaimed beauty expert, she would never let anyone forget that it was her porcelain skin that made her one of the first beauty queens to ever reign over her tropical homeland: the Dominican Republic.  While we all could agree that her skin was lovely, what I loved most about her was her gaze. She had these eyes; deep, dark, and piercing, yet kind and knowing.  That gaze never left her.

Elasia Mendez -- in her 20s (left), in her 80s (right)

I could never forget the lessons she taught me.  When I look in the mirror, I see that same piercing gaze staring back at me, and I wonder if I would make her proud.  Do I live without inhibitions? Do I speak and act kindly? Am I always looking my best? What I know for sure is that I hoard a wealth of knowledge about the beauty of person, earth, and life that I've been acquiring from her since the day we met.

So I write in honor of a fearless woman, who opened her heart to everyone, raised nine children in her home, and dozens more in her community.  I write so the lessons she's taught me about taking care of myself and others, both physically and mentally, won't soon be forgotten.  Too much of life's beauty is lost in the chaos of today.  Hopefully, some old home remedies and life lessons will help someone who wants to become a better person -- or who just wants to avoid wrinkles.

Always up for a beach-side photo shoot, even at 83.

Once Upon a Buddhist Temple

While on an adventure in Nanjing, China, I went awandering with a group of students to a nearby Buddhist Temple.  It was magnificent.  The monk tower was 20 stories high, the prayer rooms were lined with golden statues, and everything was gleaming and glorious.  We were given two sticks of incense.  We lit them in a small iron gazebo lined with black candelabras.  The thick, white candles dripped wax everywhere; down the handles, on the floor, on our shoes, and, for a few of my more unfortunate classmates, in their hair.  We lit our incense as best we could (it's surprisingly tricky) and carried them to an ash trough where we were to mount them, say a prayer, and let them burn. I was reluctant to pray to a god I don't believe in, so I made a wish instead. I wished for good fortune.

That moment passed quickly and I turned to join my group. They were scrambling around picking up coins and throwing them into a tall vase with a large gold orb at the top that was pierced with holes throughout. I picked up a small, extra shiny coin and tossed it up toward the orb.  To my surprise, it went through one hole and out another, flawlessly.  To my even greater surprise, some of the Chinese onlookers began to cheer. I was later informed that if your coin goes through the orb, you have good fortune for life.  


I laughed it off.   Murphy's Law has been hard at work in my life for as long as I can remember.  However, since Crystal's Adventures in China, Murphy seems to have departed; a phantom of my past.  Coincidence can only explain so many things.  Like loosing a favorite earing at a nightclub in Shanghai and having it returned by an acquaintance in Tucson.  Or getting a 4.0 during an impossible semester abroad, having forgotten to turn in a final project worth 40% of the grade.  A handful of similar, unbelievable things have happened since I left that Buddhist temple in August.

I'm not superstitious. However, in the words of Michael Scott, I am "a little-stitious." Just when everything in my life was beginning to seem hopeless, I was offered a job, my dream job, at a PR agency based in NYC.  I've been known to build things up in my head, setting unreasonable expectations in situations such as this.  I have a feeling, though, that this company is the real deal. I am beginning a career with some of the best talent out there, learning from them and doing exactly what I want to do. My little-stition makes me wonder if all the little pieces that seem to be coming together perfectly are a product of a frivolous coin-toss.

Big Dreams, Big City

On Thursday I moved to the Big Apple.  That's what you do when you have dreams right? Follow them.  My dream is to work with the best, learn from the best, and to someday be one of them.  I dream of important busyness with just enough time for romance. I dream of big successes and small failures. I dream of an apartment with enough room for all my shoes.  I dream of sleepless nights full of dancing and Junior's Cheesecake.

For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of New York City. I'm really good at dreaming. It's just too bad you can't live on dreams.  I'm pretty much a transient these days, drifting from one couch to another.  I walk as much as possible and eat only when it's necessary, or free.  I worry night and day, "Did I get the job?" "Will I find an apartment?" "Why am I here again?" But every once in a while my mind clears and I remember that the love of my friends and family will get me through anything. Along with all of the uncertainty, anxiety, and pennilessness, I have love, liberty, and faith to get me by. I have the freedom to do what I want, to follow my dreams, and to live a life that is wholly my own. That is what makes my life so beautiful.

With every day that passes, I know I'm getting closer to something.  Whatever it is, I am determined to find the beauty in it.  This is my resolution.